Ad Astra Per Aspera
by Lisij
Summary: Two women with the same face and genetic code. But only one is the real Shepard.


The cold water felt good on her face. Looking at the mirror a pale face looked back at her. Tired eyes with a shade so blue it felt like looking at an ocean stared at her. Her breathing, a steady rhythm, slowly revealed the words written on the mirror. "Shepard"

With a sigh she left the sink and took slow sluggish steps towards her bed. A clock on the far side of the room told her it was five hours until her captor would be back with more questions. Until then all that was left to do was sleep. She dreaded the thought of sleeping again. Sleep brought only nightmares and memories of a past life that should feel like it was hers but it didn't. She dropped her head on the pillow that they provided for her and stared at the metal ceiling of her little prison. The blue shimmer of the barrier that kept her isolated from the rest of the ship, slightly illuminated her prison and made it easier to navigate during nighttime. Why did they even bother she thought. She doubted they'd let her leave alive. And even if they did what was the point. Her whole life was a lie. What she was and what she represented. Nothing was true. It made her stomach sick but all she could do was stare at the ceiling and contemplate her existence. After a while her eyes became heavy and she drifted into a restless sleep.

xxx

"What about your childhood? Do you remember anything?"

"Yes."

"Tell me about it. What stands out the most?"

"I remember my parents. How we used to hike to the ocean that was near our settlement and catch some fish that mother would cook afterwards for us. I remember how they laughed and how happy they were. I remember on Christmas Eve, when I tried to catch Santa putting gifts under our tree, how embarrassed father looked when I caught him in the act. I remember many things about my parents, but the worst thing of all? I can't recall their faces."

Her captor nodded and entered something in her Omnitool.

"I remember how the Batarians first came down from the sky and started to shoot everyone around them. I was on my way home from school when I heard the gunshots and somebody activated the catastrophe alarm. Not that it did any good. We both know how long it took the Alliance to properly react to the attack. By then it was far too late. My parents were already dead when I arrived at home. Their burning bodies still haunts me to this day. I'll never forget the smell."

Her captor made note of this and said "Alright, that's enough for today. I'll have somebody bring you your meal."

With that her captor stood up and left the room. There was no point in escaping, the barrier made sure of it. And where would she go? She was trapped on a space ship. It's not like she had anywhere to run to anyway. Sighing she went to the bathroom sink and washed her face with cold water. It was a strange feeling. Cold water always calmed her down and made her feel safe. Her blonde hair looked like a mess and she wondered when they would allow her to take a proper shower. Granted it has only been three days since she'd been imprisoned, but she started to feel dirty and washing her face did not help. The sound of a door opening announced her new visitors, three armed soldiers and a young cook who brought her some food. Though she was kept imprisoned her food wasn't that bad, she's had worse before.

"Stand against the wall and keep your hands up" one of the soldiers ordered.

She complied and they removed the barrier for a few seconds to put the plate down on the small table next to her bed. Afterwards they put up the barrier again and left without another word. It was the same procedure every day. She ate her food in silence and went back to staring at the ceiling again.

xxx

"Tell me about Torfan."

She sighed and put a hand on her forehead as if the memories were harder to recall.

"There is one thing that stands out the most. I remember being ordered to plant a bomb deep down in the underground complex to create a chain reaction that would force out the criminals out in the open, so our surface troops could easily wipe them out. My unit was under heavy fire but I refused to back down. Seeing all the Batarians somehow made me snap. It was as if I was possessed. The rage and satisfaction I felt from ending their lives made me push harder until we reached our goal. It wasn't until we- I reached the objective that I realized that every member of my unit was already dead. The only testament that we had been there, were all the dead Batarians around me and the explosion that followed after I planted the bomb."

"Looking back at it would you have made another choice? Saving your Squad perhaps?"

"I-I don't know. Looking back at my feelings…it doesn't feel wrong how I reacted. Did I have a choice? Maybe. Maybe if I hadn't been born on Mindoir I would have reacted differently, but it seems my whole being screamed for their deaths. Every Batarian that fell that day, was a grim reminder of what I had lost. The Alliance took care of me when they found me covering in my home, but I haven't forgotten why I joined the military in the first place."She laughed bitterly "What would people think if they'd find out that the great Commander Shepard had been in fact a sociopath out for revenge for the murder of her family. It wouldn't look too good in the vids I tell you."

Her captor nodded grimly and said "Alright that's enough for today. I'll see you tomorrow."

She got up and tried to leave the room when she heard her prisoner call out "Wait! How much longer do we need to do this? What do you hope to gain by this? YOU know all of these things yourself! Why do you even have to ask me?"

Her captor hesitated for a moment and left the room without an answer. The prisoner let out a frustrated sigh and sat down on her bed. Just like the day before the same guards delivered her food and she complied without resistance. Afterwards she stared at the ceiling again, wondering when this madness would end.

xxx

"Tell me about the Normandy's Crew."

"What about them? Everybody has seen the vids. The big heroes of the galaxy, everybody knows them."

"I want to hear what you personally have to say about them."

"I'm afraid I don't have much to tell. I hardly know them."

The captor raised an eyebrow at this but recorded the answer on her Omnitool nonetheless.

"What about Saren and the Geth. Can you tell me anything about them?"

"Not much really. I only know what I've read on the extranet. And that is to say not much. The Council tried to sweep the whole affair under the rug, but we know how that played out. You know, with the reapers and all."

Her captor nodded and asked "How about your technical skills. What are you proficient in?"

"Guns, bigger Guns, explosives and to a certain degree Biotics."

"What about military training?"

"The alliance recommended me for the N7 program after Torfan. Afterwards there were many black ops mission that I had been part of. The most memorable one was the raid on an Asari moon a few years after graduating. Apparently they were using it as a tactical station to test genetic enhancements. Of course the Asari government dismissed any knowledge of it."

Her captor nodded and got up to leave again. "We're stopping here. I think I have everything I need. Tomorrow you will be released from the cell."

"So what, you're letting me go, is that it?"

"No, there are other things we must discuss first, but I will find you better quarters than this."

With that her captor closed the door and she was left alone again.

xxx

The room she found herself in was very spacious compared to her prison cell. On the far sight she could see an aquarium with different colored fish swimming around. To her right a big bed was placed and to the left she could see a personal bathroom for the inhabitant of this room. Cerberus certainly hadn't spared any expenses. In front of her sat her captor with a pensive look on her face, staring at her intently.

"What do I call you?"

"Shepard."

"You know I can't do that. We can't both be Commander Shepard."

She nodded. It was true. When Brooks got her out of the tank she was disoriented and the only thing she had been told, that she was Commander Shepard. It did not help that the tank she was freed from left her memories all muddy. The only thing she remembered was her childhood and snippets of her early adult life. Everything after that was like a torn movie. Sometimes certain memories resurfaced but she could not make sense of it. Now she was sitting in front of a woman who looked identical to her. A woman she tried to kill. Whatever Cerberus tried to accomplish with cloning Shepard, it didn't work out. After being woken up she was grateful to Brooks for giving her life and a purpose. But in the end following orders had only led her to being kept prisoner by the real Commander Shepard. If the Commander hadn't grabbed her hand when she let go she would've died. In a way she should be thankful to the Commander for saving her. But for what? So she could live a lie? Nothing about her was real. Her true purpose would've been clear had the Commander been in need of a "spare part". That was all she should've ever been. A cheap clone to replace damaged organs. Instead she had been giving a chance at life, a life that wasn't even hers to begin with. Brooks made it all sound too good to be true. Having a purpose. Being free of weakness. In the end she realized that whatever Cerberus had told her about the Commander had been lies. She wasn't weak or wrong in her cause. In the end when she was all alone and the Commander surrounded by her friends, she realized that she would, no, could not take her place. She would always be a shadow compared to the real Commander Shepard. In her decision to kill herself lay the realization that she would never have her own life. With Brooks dead and Cerberus out to kill the Commander what choice did she have? She was surprised to feel a hand grab hers when she let go of the Normandy's cargo bay door and to see the Commander stare at her with those deeply blue eyes. For a moment she felt like everything would be alright. But that was before the questioning started and she realized that everything she knew, were memories of somebody else's life. And that Life was Shepard's.

The commander sighed and said "I know this is hard for you. Even I can barely believe it. Here we sit, looking like twins. But it is apparent to me that whatever Cerberus tried to do, they made a mistake in the creation of your process. I compared the things you said to my own memories and they are exactly the same. Even when you described how you felt is surprisingly the same as I felt. It was as if I watched somebody retell my life. But you obviously don't have any memories past the N7 program. We could get you a new identity, you could lead your own life. I feel as you're as much a victim in this as I am."

The clone smiled bitterly "It's not that easy Commander and you know it. I'm not stupid, hell I'm probably as smart as you are. With the abundance of scanning technology it would only be a matter of time before somebody would notice that there are two of us running around the galaxy. I know your crew knows about me, but they do not trust me. Given the chance some of them would probably even kill me if they had a chance. I don't know a lot about life outside of my memories and what Brooks told me. And what she told me were all lies to begin with. You should have left me to die when I made the decision. It would have been easier that way."

The clone lowered her head and stared at the ground.

"Whatever you are, whatever you accomplished, I'm just a pale imitation of the real thing. And this will never change. We might be similar on an atomic level, but we can't change" she pointed to her head "what's inside here."

The Commander sat in silence for a while before speaking up "I think we won't find a solution over night, but I don't want you to lose hope. With the war over, the possibilities of what we can do are endless. I'll keep thinking about it and get back to you once I have something. Until then you can rest in my cabin. We could say you're my twin" The commander smiled and started to get up when suddenly the clone started coughing violently inside her hand, blood dripping out of her mouth. She looked pleadingly at Shepard before collapsing on the couch.

xxx

Dr. Chakwas was examining the passed out clone on her medical station and with a somber look checked the data the auto-doc was creating.

"Commander it doesn't look very good. You see these highlighted areas? It seems that whatever implants Cerberus used on you, were the same one's they used for your clone. Only strangely these are being rejected by her. She shows signs of early stages of organ failure and I'm not sure if I can stabilize her. I'm not sure anyone can."

Commander Shepard looked worryingly and helpless at her quasi twin. This was not fair! Cerberus destroyed the lives of countless people and she didn't want them to take another. Not this one. By chance she could have been the clone right now and the clone would have been her. Who's to say that she really wasn't a clone herself? For all she knew, the real Shepard died with the first Normandy. Maybe she too was a pale imitation of the real thing. She shook her head. Such thoughts didn't help her right now.

"Try to do whatever you can for her Doctor, I'm telling Joker to get us back to the Citadel ASAP.

And with that Commander Shepard left the infirmary. Time was running out.

xxx

"Shepard. This is a surprise. We haven't heard from each other since the party."

"Thanks for answering me so quickly Miranda, but it's an emergency. Do you think you could set up a private medical room for us at the Citadel? We also need somebody to get us through the scanning system. We have somebody on board that mustn't be noticed by security. I can't say much more than this but I also need you to be there. Your medical expertise will be needed."

"Sure, I think I can arrange this. When will you arrive at the Citadel?"

"Joker said it would take us 5 hours to get there."

"Ok, I'll prepare everything. My inside contact will tell you where to dock."

And with that the communication link closed and Shepard was left with her thoughts. If anyone could fix this situation it was Miranda. Given her intelligence she probably figured out already, that this was about her clone. It wasn't a secret to the Normandy's crew that Shepard kept her imprisoned after she saved her life and killed Brooks. Their loyalty to Shepard and the fact that she was able to stop the Reapers was enough for them to trust her. No one outside of her own crew knew of the clone's existence and she wanted to keep it that way. Anderson would've known what to do and she regretted the death of her mentor every single day. She left the Communications Hub and made way for the infirmary.

xxx

Just as Miranda had promised, her contact gave them an all clear docking passage at one of the more closed off docking areas, used mainly for VIPs, politicians or private owners. Afterwards they took multiple elevators down to a surgical room on Tayseri Ward. Since the Ward was still mostly damaged from Sovereigns' attack many years ago, many areas were still under construction and had no proper security devices installed. Using these advantages they made their way towards their destination. Miranda had already prepared a table and multiple medical robots to work with and they lay her clone on it. The clones' breathing was steady but weak and Miranda made to work on her. Dr. Chakwas who accompanied the Commander helped Miranda as much as she could, but the main work had to be done by her.

"Shepard you can wait outside, I need to concentrate on this. Whoever did this did a crappy job. Amateurish really."

Shepard left the operating room and sat down on one of the chairs outside. She hadn't felt this powerless since Virmire, knowing that whatever she could do was not enough to save another person. All she could do was wait and pray that Miranda knew what to do.

xxx

Shepard awoke by the sound of a door opening and closing. Miranda was standing in front of her, her clothes bloodied by the medical procedure with a solemn look on her face.

"I've done everything I could Commander. But I can't reverse the process that has already started. The clone is going to die. There is no changing that. I don't have the equipment and resources I had during the Lazarus project and even if I did, I doubt it would make a difference."

Shepard took a deep breath and asked "What is happening Miranda? What is wrong with her?"

"It's quite simple Shepard. When Cerberus decided to wake her up they inserted the same implants inside her that I used during the Lazarus project. . Only the difference is that they did it before pulling her out of her tank, whereas I inserted them when we salvaged your body. Your body had time to adapt to them quite well. Your clone on the other hand did not get the same luxury. They probably thought that she'd get used to them as they went on but it's not happening. I've stabilized her enough so the worst is over for now. But I can't replace the implants without doing severe damage to her nervous system. With things going like this I figure she has a few months left to live. Maybe a few years if she is lucky. I'm sorry Shepard.

Miranda squeezed her shoulder and left the Commander to ponder on this new information.

xxx

"I've brought you some fruit. I don't know what you liked so I just picked what I'd eat."

Shepard entered her apartment she won on Pinnacle Station and put the groceries on the table. Her clone stared out of the window towards the settlement of Intai'sei.

"Thank you."

"How are you feeling?"

She turned around and sat down on the couch "It's getting better. Some days are worse than others but I haven't coughed up any blood in a few days. I took a few trips to the settlement like you suggested and it made me realize how beautiful this planet really is. I was planning on taking the Mako towards the beach. I don't know why but cold water is always calming me down."

Shepard smiled at this. She felt the same way.

"Have you decided on a name yet?"

"Actually I have. But I wanted to ask what you think."

"Really? Why?"

"It's my- our mother's name."

"Elizabeth Shepard. It's a good name. You should use it."

Elizabeth smiled at this and picked up a banana. It was strange. When the Commander told her she was going to die she accepted the fact. But after living a few weeks in Shepards apartment doubt started to creep in. She didn't want to die. There was too much left for her to experience. At first she was angry. At herself, at Cerberus, at the world. After a while her anger turned into grief and later into acceptance. She tried to make most of her situation. The commander spent a lot of time with her. Walking and talking around the area. She felt a great connection to her, they were similar after all. Some nights when the pain was unbearable and she tossed and turned the Commander was sitting next to her, holding her hand and trying to get her mind of things by talking about the world. The was so much she hadn't experienced yet. Music, books, movies, animals, places. So much was left to see, feel and do. Weeks turned into months and months into years. It was after seven years when Shepard woke up one morning and called out for Elizabeth that she received no answer. Following the Makos tracks she soon found her dead on her favorite spot at the beach. She sat peacefully in one of the chairs that Shepard put there years ago. Next to her lay a data pad with a recording for Shepard.

"Hello Shepard. I don't need to tell you what has happened when you find this recording. But I wanted to tell you this. When I first got out of my tank and Brooks told me that my purpose was to kill you and take over your place I believed her. It was later when I saw how your crew stood behind you that doubt started to creep in my conviction. I thought you were weak but I was wrong. Spending these years with you I finally understood what made you, YOU. Cerberus believed you to be flawed. That you could have done better without any emotional baggage. But they were wrong. If you hadn't saved me I would have never realized the true meaning of friendship. You showed me hope where there was none and stood by me when I wanted to end it all. I've accepted a long time ago that my life was going to end at any time. But I've made the most of it and you made it possible. I understand now why people gladly follow you to hell and back. I think I would have done the same. I felt my time coming to the end, that's why I came to the beach. I wanted to see the ocean one last time. Goodbye Shepard. Thank you for everything."


End file.
